2 min readNov 11, 2021

An Open Letter to Count Dracula: I’m Sorry I Kicked You in the Nards

Vampire about to victimize an innocent woman!
Photo by Luc Bercoth on Unsplash

I realize now that you weren’t really Count Dracula, but back the 1970s I thought you were the real deal. You see, my Mom and I went to my elementary school’s Halloween party. I must have been six or seven years old.

At that age, I believed in werewolves, super-heroes and vampires. That year, I had dressed up as Robin from “Batman and Robin”, and designed my own costume.

I have to say — I did a kick-ass job on my costume, at least according to my young self.

After spending time the gymnasium, dunking for apples and collecting candy in our plastic bags and pumpkins — we ascended the steps to a gloomy room. At least twenty children, including their parents and me and my mother, lined up against the wall. In the middle of this room there was a coffin. It creaked open and you emerged. You started at the far end of the room. The girls and boys you terrorized cowered and cried as you loomed over them.

It was in that moment that I decided — I was going to save everyone, even in the absence of The Batman. After all, I was Robin, goddammit! Not that I knew that word as a child, but I knew I wanted to be a hero and save everyone from the vampire who was scaring everyone.

Finally, Count Dracula loomed over me. Like with everyone else, he must have expected me to tremble.

Everyone to the left of me were crying and terrorized. He lunged towards me, and I lashed out with my right foot. It caught him directly in his ghoulish gonads.

Count Dracula grunted and nearly toppled over. He limped back to his coffin and lurched inside, slamming the lid behind him.

Never was I more proud of myself for saving everyone. My classmates laughed and clapped. I’d saved them! They no longer feared this fearsome vampire — because I showed them that he could be defeated.

So why was my Mother so angry?!?

We exited that room and I vaguely recall that she dragged me back home. Halloween, for me, was over.

I know now that you were just a guy, doing your job. And I was the wanna-be hero who ruined your evening.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

I’m sorry, Count Dracula.


This is what I do: I drink and I write things.